Vacation of Folly
People have such odd ideas about vacations. They spend the whole year looking forward to them, saving up their time and money so they can go some place and do some thing. They treat it as if that week or two a year is going to undo the other 50 weeks worth of trauma caused by the crushing reality of adulthood.
What they fail to remember is that the vacation itself is more apt to crush souls than the job could ever.
Allow me to explain:
First of all, you have to plan for a vacation. This involves investigating destinations, plotting courses, figuring out what you're going to do when you're there and deciding whether or not it's worth it to take a vacation at all. That last one usually comes up near the end of preparations. Not only that, but this is when a large chunk of change gets dropped. If you fly, you've got to pay for your ticket ahead of time. If you drive, you've got to make sure your vehicle is in working order. You need to check and see if you have a swimsuit for warm climates, heavy coats for cold. You have to invest in sunscreen, snacks, travel games, and various other things that you don't just have. A cooler, for instance.
Then, you have to pack. Nothing sucks more than packing. It isn't JUST that you have to figure out a way to fit enough clothes to live in for the time you'll be gone, because there's no telling if you'll find facilities to launder them and spending vacation time at a laundromat is no fun. No, it's also that you have to decide what it is you'll need to have packed, just in case. For instance, you may be going to sunny Florida, but what if a hurricane blows in? Do you have a heavy-duty raincoat? And what if you forget your toiletries? Those little bottles of hotel "shampoo" (which is more like corn syrup mixed with your grandmother's perfume) and the disposable razors you can obtain at the front desk (or at Wal-Mart if you're staying at a Super 8) are hardly a substitute for what you usually use. And it gets worse if you accidentally leave your good stuff there!
Once you leave, it doesn't get any better. People always say they want to "go to..." (insert location here). What they mean is, they want to be in (same location). Airports are a nightmare. The threat of a full cavity search is enough to put anyone on edge, and that can be bad news for people who say inappropriate things in stressful situations. And it's not like traveling horror is limited to the airways. Nobody enjoys long distance driving unless they're an AARP member and they're in an RV.
And those are the people ruining it for the rest of us.
Even with the interstate system linking all the places you'd want to go, you don't want to actually have to see them. This isn't only due to anticipation of the destination. Sure, that's a large part, but, seriously, it's boring out there!
Which brings up another annoyance: those games people play on the road. It's bad enough you're crammed in a four foot by five and a half foot space with people who also don't want to be on the road for hour. Why would you want to add in a six hour marathon of I Spy or license plate Bingo? And slug-bug (aka punch buggy to some of you weirdos) always degenerates into a fight.
This, of course, is only broken up by the occasional pit stop. This is not without its own complications. First of all, one restroom is almost always out of order and, for some reason, women don't like using the men's room almost as much as they don't want men using theirs. This is, I suppose, due to the fact that women are ashamed of how nasty they make their restrooms (the atrocities I saw in the women's room at the grocery store I worked for shall haunt me the rest of my days). That, or they don't want to share the couches.
What's that all about anyway? Women sit down to pee already! Do they really need to take a load off before they take a load off?
And there's those four words that haunt any driver..."Are we there yet?" It's not like the driver isn't also ready to be out of the steel and fiberglass deathtrap that is a modern motor vehicle. Usually, the driver has some sort of time investment in the trip, such as vacation days, which would be better spent being somewhere, so the added question of whether or not the group has arrived, which it clearly hasn't, is almost enough to make anyone swerve into the nearest gas tanker.
Then, you get there. Sure, you have the opportunity to do the things you planned for in the beginning...half of which won't pan out...but it's going to cost you the other arm and most of the other leg to do those things. And that's to say nothing of having your sleep disrupted. Nobody goes to bed, eats, pees, whatever...on the same schedule as they do at home. I'll bet Ex-Lax makes a killing in the post-vacation market. And hotel pillows are bad, almost across the board. Not as bad as the rolled sandpaper the leave for you to wipe with, but still pretty bad. Of course, you could stay with family (should you have family where you're going), but that means you have to put up with family and that's just the kind of stress that makes us need vacations in the first place. I mean, not only are there the usual personality conflicts, but also the conflicting interests and schedules. If one group is on vacation, the other's presence in their own home usually means that they are not. Do you wait for them to get free so you can hang out, or do you do your thing and see them on your way to bed? Is it rude to want to have your bloody vacation when you're on vacation?
And then it's time to pack. Again. Of course, now you've not only got all your dirty clothes, but all the crap you bought that will be taking up space in a closet at home because God only knows what you were thinking when you spent $50 on a water bong shaped like the Dali Llama.
Finally, you get home, worn out from either driving too long or sick from sitting in an airplane, trapped for hours with some outbreak monkey who didn't have the good sense, or the common courtesy, to stay their butt home. But, the good news is, it's back to the grind tomorrow! You can just make up for the lost rest next year!
What they fail to remember is that the vacation itself is more apt to crush souls than the job could ever.
Allow me to explain:
First of all, you have to plan for a vacation. This involves investigating destinations, plotting courses, figuring out what you're going to do when you're there and deciding whether or not it's worth it to take a vacation at all. That last one usually comes up near the end of preparations. Not only that, but this is when a large chunk of change gets dropped. If you fly, you've got to pay for your ticket ahead of time. If you drive, you've got to make sure your vehicle is in working order. You need to check and see if you have a swimsuit for warm climates, heavy coats for cold. You have to invest in sunscreen, snacks, travel games, and various other things that you don't just have. A cooler, for instance.
Then, you have to pack. Nothing sucks more than packing. It isn't JUST that you have to figure out a way to fit enough clothes to live in for the time you'll be gone, because there's no telling if you'll find facilities to launder them and spending vacation time at a laundromat is no fun. No, it's also that you have to decide what it is you'll need to have packed, just in case. For instance, you may be going to sunny Florida, but what if a hurricane blows in? Do you have a heavy-duty raincoat? And what if you forget your toiletries? Those little bottles of hotel "shampoo" (which is more like corn syrup mixed with your grandmother's perfume) and the disposable razors you can obtain at the front desk (or at Wal-Mart if you're staying at a Super 8) are hardly a substitute for what you usually use. And it gets worse if you accidentally leave your good stuff there!
Once you leave, it doesn't get any better. People always say they want to "go to..." (insert location here). What they mean is, they want to be in (same location). Airports are a nightmare. The threat of a full cavity search is enough to put anyone on edge, and that can be bad news for people who say inappropriate things in stressful situations. And it's not like traveling horror is limited to the airways. Nobody enjoys long distance driving unless they're an AARP member and they're in an RV.
And those are the people ruining it for the rest of us.
Even with the interstate system linking all the places you'd want to go, you don't want to actually have to see them. This isn't only due to anticipation of the destination. Sure, that's a large part, but, seriously, it's boring out there!
Which brings up another annoyance: those games people play on the road. It's bad enough you're crammed in a four foot by five and a half foot space with people who also don't want to be on the road for hour. Why would you want to add in a six hour marathon of I Spy or license plate Bingo? And slug-bug (aka punch buggy to some of you weirdos) always degenerates into a fight.
This, of course, is only broken up by the occasional pit stop. This is not without its own complications. First of all, one restroom is almost always out of order and, for some reason, women don't like using the men's room almost as much as they don't want men using theirs. This is, I suppose, due to the fact that women are ashamed of how nasty they make their restrooms (the atrocities I saw in the women's room at the grocery store I worked for shall haunt me the rest of my days). That, or they don't want to share the couches.
What's that all about anyway? Women sit down to pee already! Do they really need to take a load off before they take a load off?
And there's those four words that haunt any driver..."Are we there yet?" It's not like the driver isn't also ready to be out of the steel and fiberglass deathtrap that is a modern motor vehicle. Usually, the driver has some sort of time investment in the trip, such as vacation days, which would be better spent being somewhere, so the added question of whether or not the group has arrived, which it clearly hasn't, is almost enough to make anyone swerve into the nearest gas tanker.
Then, you get there. Sure, you have the opportunity to do the things you planned for in the beginning...half of which won't pan out...but it's going to cost you the other arm and most of the other leg to do those things. And that's to say nothing of having your sleep disrupted. Nobody goes to bed, eats, pees, whatever...on the same schedule as they do at home. I'll bet Ex-Lax makes a killing in the post-vacation market. And hotel pillows are bad, almost across the board. Not as bad as the rolled sandpaper the leave for you to wipe with, but still pretty bad. Of course, you could stay with family (should you have family where you're going), but that means you have to put up with family and that's just the kind of stress that makes us need vacations in the first place. I mean, not only are there the usual personality conflicts, but also the conflicting interests and schedules. If one group is on vacation, the other's presence in their own home usually means that they are not. Do you wait for them to get free so you can hang out, or do you do your thing and see them on your way to bed? Is it rude to want to have your bloody vacation when you're on vacation?
And then it's time to pack. Again. Of course, now you've not only got all your dirty clothes, but all the crap you bought that will be taking up space in a closet at home because God only knows what you were thinking when you spent $50 on a water bong shaped like the Dali Llama.
Finally, you get home, worn out from either driving too long or sick from sitting in an airplane, trapped for hours with some outbreak monkey who didn't have the good sense, or the common courtesy, to stay their butt home. But, the good news is, it's back to the grind tomorrow! You can just make up for the lost rest next year!
Labels: Rants
posted by Noise Monkey at 2:13 PM
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