Dubious Holidays

I like Valentines Day. That hasn't always been the case but, as I am married and, thus, guaranteed to have a Valentine of my very own to love and hug and squeeze and call her name George (Andria probably wouldn't appreciate it if I did call her George, though), it's alright in my book. Still, I find the whole thing a bit...unsettling. I mean, isn't there a better way to celebrate the spirit of undying love than by tagging it to a guy who was (by tradition) beheaded?

If not, maybe we're marketing it wrong. How about instead of giving heart-shaped boxes full of chocolate to our loved ones, we pass out little chocolate saint statues?

No heads, of course.

And perhaps, instead of cards, we could tell the parents of our significant others that they remind us of fishmongers, in honor of Ophelia, who went swimming without a lifeguard and didn't make it to Valentines Day.

And Cupid, he's out. Instead, those who want to send a message of love can employ men dressed as mobsters and cops, the way Capone sent a message to "Bugs" Moran and his men.

Besides, all the grown men wandering around in diapers kinda creeps me out.

Still, we've gotta keep the chocolate. Without it, there'd only be Easter between New Years and people fitting into their swimsuits in the summer and, really, how many Cadbury eggs can one person be expected to eat?